In a move that stunned the world, Cobra Commander, self-professed global activist and leader of humanity, has entered the 2020 race for President of the United States.
The race has already inspired a record number of Democratic candidates to try to unseat incumbent Donald J. Trump, but the Commander entering the race as an independent is a move nobody saw coming.
Rumors have been circulating that Hillary Clinton would also enter the race as a unifying figure for the floundering Democratic field, but news of the Commander entering the race has forced Clinton to unequivocally deny the rumors.
“What!?! Are you crazy,” Clinton told reporters. “He’s killed more people than I have! There’s no way I’m stepping into this now!”
Until as recently as January 2020, the Commander was facing multiple felony charges in over 174 countries, but several days prior to entering the race, it was announced that all charges in every country were being dropped for lack of evidence.
One U.S. federal prosecutor, who wished to remain anonymous said, “We just don’t understand how it happened. All of the evidence against him just disintegrated. It literally disintegrated into a smoldering pile of ash!”
A group of lawyers representing Cobra Commander released the following statement:
“Cobra Commander has been a visionary and inspirational leader throughout the world. He has been viciously attacked by law enforcement, the fake-news media, the political establishment, world leaders, and all of the candidates running against him, because they know that the citizens of the world are desperate for a leader with his dedication to mankind, commitment to technological innovation, and impeccable fashion sense.”
Shortly after announcing his candidacy, MSNBC host Rachel Maddow took to the air in a frenzied panic, claiming to have proof of a link between Cobra Commander and Russia. But before Maddow could get to her alleged evidence, the broadcast was mysteriously preempted by a fundraiser telethon for Cobra. Hours later, Maddow was seen checking into a rehab clinic with several armed guards dressed in navy blue. A heavily-tattooed spokesman for the clinic said, “She made a bloomin’ mistake, she did. The poor Sheila is suffering from paranoid delusions. But we’re gonna fix her up right good, we are.”
Trump took to Twitter to comment on the announcement, saying “Have you seen this Cobra Commander guy!?! He has no face! How is he going to win without a face? You have to have a face to be president! I have a face! It may not be the best face, but I think it’s a pretty good face. This Cobra guy! He has no face! #SneakySnakeCobra #MAGA!”
When asked about his chances of winning in November 2020, the Commander invited the press to join him for refreshments by his pool. He vehemently denies one reporter’s claims that he called the reporters “fools” and allegedly threw them all into a giant tank to fight for their lives against giant mechanical crabs.
Why wait for 2020 to cast your vote? Vote for the next American president now!
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